Advice by Heidi Hoover
We who live in modern American society are lucky. Advances in medical technology have dramatically increased life expectancy and reduced infant mortality. Many dangerous childhood diseases that used to be common are now rare or even eradicated due to vaccines now available. One consequence of this is that we have less contact with death. I believe that as familiarity with death has decreased, fear of it has increased. In our society, we want to remove death as far from ourselves as possible"we avoid it and try to hide it. Dying people are usually in hospitals or hospices, away from normal life. We use euphemisms: We say someone passed on, or left us, or is with God now, rather than just saying they died. And we shield our children from death, as we ourselves were probably shielded from it.
Hiding death from our children, avoiding talking with them about it, and keeping them away from funerals and other rites of mourning does them a disservice. We do not prevent them from becoming aware of death, thinking about it, wondering about it, and, often, worrying about it. When someone close to them dies, be it a close relative, friend, teacher, or pet, children go through a mourning process and, like adults, they need help and support, though their level of understanding and specific concerns may be different than an adults.
What do our children need from us? How can we help them understand death and cope with their grief? Halakha is largely silent on this point. In The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, Maurice Lamm writes:
"Minors have no obligation to observe the laws of mourning. Thus, a boy under the age of thirteen and a girl under the age of twelve need not shiva or follow the other observances. However, their clothes should be rent for them, and they should be encouraged in congruity with their intelligence, sensitivities, sensibilities, and maturity to restrict their daily activities. This procedure should be followed especially in the case of more mature children, although they are still minors."
Reading between the lines, we see that we should include children in mourning in age-appropriate ways. In order to put into practical terms what we need to do for bereaved children, we turn to modern developmental psychology.
A baby or young toddler doesn't understand what death means and can't articulate feelings, but does know when people around him or her are anxious, agitated, upset, or under stress. She or he will also feel and react to the absence of someone familiar. Children of this age should be given a sense of security through attention and physical affection, holding, hugging, and cuddling them.
From about the age of three, children are generally able to talk about death and begin to have some understanding of it. They should not be shielded from it. If someone close to them dies, they should be told soon enough that they will be able to mourn with their family. If they want to, they should be allowed to attend the funeral. Adults should not use euphemisms when talking to children about death. Young children are very literal, and don't understand terms like “passed” or "lost."
There are a few vital principles in explaining death to children:
--- Listen: Different children have different questions and concerns based on their age, life experience, and personalities. Give them your full attention, take them seriously, and listen. It may help them if you ask if they have specific questions about different parts of the process, like the funeral or the shiva.
--- Be straight with them: As mentioned above, avoid euphemisms. Answer the questions they have calmly and specifically (use your judgment as to the level of detail that is appropriate for the child). Let them know that their feelings, whatever they are, are normal. Be honest about your own feelings. They need to know that people often feel guilty, angry, or relieved as well as sad when someone dies. They need to know that it's okay to cry. If you don't know the answer to a question, it's okay to say so. Ask what the child thinks. If the child wants to know what happens after death, share your beliefs, discuss what Jewish theology tells us, ask what they think, say you don't know but you wonder about it too, whatever feels most honest and also age-appropriate for the child.
--- Be careful with explanations: While it is important to answer questions honestly, adults should be aware that if they explain that someone died because they were sick, that may cause they child to fear that if they, or someone else close to them, get sick, they too will die. It may be necessary to explain that usually people get well again when they get sick, but sometimes they get very very sick and then they die. The explanation will be different depending on the specific circumstances; just remember that being too general can be confusing and frightening for a child trying to understand what happened.
--- Prepare them for what to expect: Tell them what will happen at the funeral, the cemetery, the shiva.
--- Give them physical affection: If they will allow it, physical affection is a powerful nonverbal way to show a child that they are still loved and will still be cared for.
--- Listen: I can't overemphasize the importance of spending time focusing on a bereaved child and being available to listen and address questions. Try not to project your own ideas of what questions and concerns a child may have; rather, solicit and hear the questions and concerns of the child you are dealing with.
While it is very important to facilitate and allow a child to mourn, a parent may not be able to do so due to their own grief. In that case, another adult or adults close to the child should be given the role of explaining, listening, and caring for the child.
If the child or the adult caring for the child is having trouble expressing feelings, questions, or concerns, or just as an introduction to the subject, there are many books geared toward children that address the subject of death, and this can be a good way to begin discussions.
As time passes and the initial period of mourning ends, children continue to feel the absence of an important person in their lives, just as adults do. On jahrzeits, birthdays, holidays that were shared with the deceased person, it is helpful to give children openings and opportunities to talk about the loved one. Depending on the age of the child, he or she may be encouraged to draw pictures or write about their memories. There are commercial activity books available for this purpose, or ordinary blank books or notebooks could be used.
It is common for children to begin asking about death at around the age of five, even if they are fortunate enough not to have experienced the death of a person close to them or even a pet. My daughter, who is five, began asking about death a few months ago. I consider myself lucky to have the opportunity to help her begin to develop an understanding of death before she has to deal with grief as well. I try to answer her questions openly, honestly, and without anxiety. It
takes some effort to talk to her about death dispassionately, because I do have anxiety about the topic. I think it's important to try, though, because death is natural, it does happen to everyone, and I want her to be able to think about it that way.
A brief anecdote: As I was putting my daughter to bed one night, she looked lovingly at me and said, "You take care of me." I said, "That's right. " She continued calmly, "But you"re going to die someday." "Yes," answered, having swallowed my surprise and instinctive impulse to tell her not to think about that. Unable to resist, I said, "How will that be for you, when I die?" "Well," she said, "by then I'll be able to drive the car.""So you"ll be okay?" "Yeah.”
Clearly she was thinking about who would take care of her if I weren't around, and concluded, rightly, that when she's grown up she'll be able to take care of herself and won't need me to do it. Not that she won't miss me, but she'll be okay.
All this is to say that when children ask about death, we as rabbis and cantors should engage them, and we should encourage our congregants (their parents) to do so. We should help children develop healthy attitudes toward death, so that when it does touch their lives directly, as it must sometime, they will be better equipped to handle it.
Bibliography:
Diamant, Anita. Saying Kaddish: How to Comfort the Dying, Bury the Dead & Mourn as a Jew. New York: Schocken Books, 1998.
Grollman, Earl A., ed. Bereaved Children and Teens. Boston: Beacon Press, 1995.
Lamm, Maurice. The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning. New York: Jonathan David Publishers, 2000.
Advice from PSP members about explaining death to children:
When kids are younger, you can talk about loved ones who have passed away by saying "they're not here." Once they're old enough, you might add a little more detail, like "their heart stopped working." When they experience a loss, you can buy an age-appropriate book about death, read it with them, and let the questions come naturally. Don't worry too much about kids thinking that you could get sick and die in the same way that another loved one has. You might say something like: "Their heart stopped working, but I have a healthy working heart."
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Take comfort in the fact that that the memory of lost loved ones lives on through you, and that person can still be influence and be meaningful to your child if you let them.
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You can explain to your child that lost loved ones are connected to them even if they never met or knew each other.
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You could talk about the Spirit World, which is where unborn babies and dead people live. We don't know where it is or what it's like to be there, but we do know that our love can go there and their love can come here.
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Though talking about death can be hard, your child will appreciate your honesty and being able to talk with you about tough things.
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Use clear language ("died" instead of "passed away") to help avoid confusion.
Share a few sentences of explanation and then step back; your child may not want to talk about it, they may want to come back to it, or they may have many questions. You can say something like: "They died before you were born. That means their body stopped working, and they isn’t alive like you and me. We’ll never see them again. This only happens when your body is very sick, or you’re very old. What questions do you have for me?”
When you step back, you can say: “I’m happy to continue this conversation anytime. I’ll check in on you again tomorrow and ask you if you have any questions."
Little kids aren't scared of the truth; they're scared when adults suddenly start acting funny/sad/worried/cagey and they don't know why. Their minds may fill in the blanks with much scarier things than the truth.
Use books to guide the discussion, but don't force it. Kids often need time to digest before asking more questions. If they go right back to playing or act casual about it, it doesn’t mean they don’t understand or don’t care, it just means they’re processing or don’t want to talk about it anymore. Check back in after a day or so and lightly ask if they want to talk about it more.
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Be honest, don't answer more than is asked, and just be very reassuring. At some point, kids will realize that sometimes people die prematurely and that you may die, and then they'll probably wonder what will happen to them if you do, so you can tell them who will take care of them, be reassuring that they will be safe and loved, etc. But don't bring that up until they do.
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Kids definitely process a bit, and return to the subject as their understanding of the world changes. Death is not a one-time conversation, as is the case for pretty much all of the bigger subjects in parenting.
You can think of this hard conversation as an opportunity to build trust for the hard conversations of the future.
Books for children (and adults) about death:
Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert
"This is an amazing book about grief, great for children or adults. Really phenomenal."
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (Dino Life Guides for Families) by Laurie Krasny Brown
"For pretty young children."
Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs by Tomi Depaola
Death is Stupid by Anastasia Higginbotham
"A lovely book, for all ages."
Goodbye Mousie by Robie H Harris
A boy grieves for his dead pet Mousie, helps to bury him, and begins to come to terms with his loss.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
"Invisible Strings is a lovely book."
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie
"My father just passed away and we read my 4 year old daughter the "I miss you" by Pat Thomas and "Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie books. Both were extremely helpful and easy for her to understand."
I Miss You: A First Look At Death, by Pat Thomas
"For pretty young children, has some nice supplemental questions encouraging children to share their feelings."
What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? by Trevor Romain
"For kids about age 6 and up, I would say."
Gentle Willow, Tear Soup by Joyce Mills
"Might be better for a 9 year old."
Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley
I'll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm
Big Cat, Little Cat by Elisha Cooper
Where Do They Go? by Julia Alvarez
"Skirting spirituality but def not heaven-ish."
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
"The Invisible String book is not specifically about death but is a great book on helping children understand someone being there for them even when they are not physically present (the invisible string is love.)"
7 Touching Books to Help Kids Understand Death and Grief, a compilation from Scholastic
"These are some lovely books for young children to help understand death."
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst
Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs by Tomie DePaola
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf (full text)
The Goldfish Went on Vacation (Chapter 1 is published in The New York Times)
Something Very Sad Happened: A Toddler's Guide to Understanding Death by Bonnie Zucker
The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise Brown
"Highly recommend 'The Dead Bird.' My preschool class loves it."
Holes in the Sky by Patricia Polacco
"It’s about a girl who loses her grandmother and the book explores themes of grief and community and compassion."
Option B by Sheryl Sanburg
"I am currently reading Sheryl Sandburgs new book, Option B. While it is not for the child, it is a great book for any adult who wants to heal from a loss or, in some ways more importantly, help others heal as well."
Kathleen McCue's How to Help Children
"This is not a children's book but Kathleen McCue's How to Help Children through a Parent's Serious Illness has some good language for how to talk with kids about death at age appropriate levels."
Articles and clips:
Child Bereavement UK on talking to a child about someone who is not expected to live
Child Bereavement UK on children's understanding of death at different ages
Sesame Street videos on Helping Kids Grieve
Why Do 4-Year-Olds Love Talking About Death?, from the New York Times
Organizations that can help:
A Caring Hand
213 East 63rd Street
New York, NY 10001
(212) 229-CARE (2273)
"The mission of ACH is to meet bereaved children and families wherever they are in their grief and fulfill their needs in a caring and knowledgeable environment through services to help them with their emotional journey and financial assistance to aid their future education."
Loss and Bereavement Program for Children and Adolescents
Jewish Board of Family & Children Services
120 W 57th Street, 9th floor
New York, NY 10019
(212) 632-4692
"Provides bereavement groups designed to help children and adolescents cope with the death of a parent or caretaker. These groups are held at JBFCS sites throughout the city. Individual and group counseling are also available for surviving caretakers."
Hearts Connected provides mental health support to kids, teens, and their families.
Red Door Community (formerly Gilda's Club NYC)
Red Door Community provides support groups for those who have lost a loved one to cancer:
Young Adults Bereavement Monthly Group
Visiting Nurse Service Bereavement Support Groups - Virtual (must have a family member who received VNS services)
Greenwich House
Greenwich House offers Journeying Through Bereavement: a group for individuals to explore the impact of the loss of a loved one in a safe space, providing comfort, insight, and healing from grief.
A virtual support group for those with a family member who received care in the MJHS health system.
NYC Employee Assistance
Employees of the City of New York can attend the virtual Grief and Loss Support Group.
NYU's Spiritual Care Services staff provides virtual webinars on relevant topics as well as bereavement groups for our community. For more information, please call 516-663-4749 or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
Other resources:
The American Psychological Association recently posted a really good podcast (article) on discussing death with young children and also managing anxiety in children with mindfulness and relaxation techniques, including some resources. They write: "Protecting children from sadness, anxiety and stress is a natural instinct for many adults. But, finding ways to help them address these inevitable obstacles to happiness is a challenge parents, teachers and other caregivers have to face head on. In this episode, Bonnie Zucker, PsyD, talks about how to explain death to young children as well as the research into the effectiveness of relaxation and mindfulness techniques for kids..." Details here.
The Sesame Street Grief Toolkit
"No feeling is too big (or small) to talk about."
Child Bereavement UK
For parents grieving the loss of a child.
National Child Traumatic Stress Network
For particularly traumatic incidents.
Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center
MSK has a page on Preparing Your Child for a Parent’s Death that includes general advice as well as resources, websites, and books to help kids understand and cope with death.
Good Grief
Good Grief, an NJ-based not-for-profit, has an extensive resources page that includes a PDF about how children understand grief at different ages; book recommendations geared toward helping kids; and tips for navigating grief in various settings and situations.
Further Reading on the Web:
What to say when your kid asks about scary news
