Original post:
"I'm trying to think of something special beyond flowers or "donate here" to do for a friend who lost her mother. The funeral is in one state and memorial service in another (neither in NY) so planting a tree or buying a bench doesn't really work. Any ideas of things you've been part of or heard of that you could offer up?"
Replies:
Meal delivery
"I've had meals delivered to the bereaved family...either a single meal or several of them can work. It's nice to be fed/nurtured when you're grieving. You can call a restaurant local to where they live."
"I was just going to suggest something similar. After my father passed away, it was a real relief to have people take care of the hum drum of everyday life, especially as I had young kids to tend."
Find photos and make a card for a wallet:
"I lost my mom recently too and one thing I noticed was that we had NO pics of her, which is just so sad. Maybe you would do some sleuthing through FB and see if there were any that seemed worthy? If it's a format you like, Moo has the option to print business cards that have 1 static design on one side (maybe with a nice quote?) and unlimited options on the other. That way the person can tuck their favourite card away in a wallet. Artefact Uprising also has calendars this way I think. Hope it helps..."
If you know the deceased, a letter with memories:
"Did you know your friend's mother? If so, a letter with your memories of her mother would be welcome, I think."
Make an album or box for all the cards:
"If you know the people whose lives were touched by this person make an album of their words of how she touched them I really got tired of the "sorry for you loss" cards and loved the anecdotes people sent remembering my mother. Would have been so nice to have it all in one place rather than bits of paper/cards."
Send something in a few months:
"One thing I would mention is that the flowers and gifts that come after a loss like that can be overwhelming and start to run together and then they just stop and it's crickets as everyone gets back to normal life. I don't have a great alternate suggestion for a gift to send now, but maybe put something on your calendar for 3 months from now and send flowers then. A "thinking of you as you find your new normal" sort of thing is really meaningful."
Name something unusual:
"Depends on what your friend is like, but something unusually interesting might be to have a star named after her mother? If she's somewhere where you can actually see the stars at night it might be nice to be able to see it & think of her mother. Though I don't know how hard it is to find a star from the naming services."
Give to the local library:
"I always give a donation in the person’s name to the Brooklyn Public Library-- or you could donate to Library in family's home town."
Give to the local park:
"Friends and family recently donated for a tree to be planted in Prospect Park in my father's memory. It's through the Prospect Park Alliance. Donations are tax deductible."
"You can see the signs on new trees all over the park- planted in honor of something or in memory of someone.
I recently saw a sign of a tree planted in honor of a couple's 20th anniversary and another in honor of the birth of a baby. You work with the parks arborist on location and type of tree."
Follow what the family wishes:
"If you are stuck and can't think of something that feels as meaningful as you want it to be, follow the recommendations of the obituary/family wishes for now, i.e., "In lieu of flowers..." and plan to do something later."
Be a really good friend:
"When my mom died in 1/2012 I was so devastated and numb I don't remember much of the first month after her death. You could help your friend through this numb period by cooking for her, offering to take her kids for a weekend day or an overnight, maybe do things like pick up dry cleaning, help with kid activities, take her car for oil change, etc...anything mundane that involves leaving the house. I found myself sitting at work or at home feeling what could only be described as "blank" and not being able to think through/plan the everyday life stuff (or really even get much accomplished at home or work).
Since it is a very confusing and unproductive time after losing a mom, if you want your friend to fully experience/remember/feel better from/appreciate the memorial "gift" then wait a couple of months, or maybe on her mom's next birthday or the first anniversary of her death. That will make a greater impact and give you time to brainstorm and do some recon on what your friend would appreciate most.
We scattered my mom's ashes in the Pacific off of the CA coast about three months after she died--rented a boat and only included a few close relatives (4 people plus my husband), and only one person spoke. It was so much better to wait because I probably wouldn't have experienced and internalized the process the same way. Watching her ashefall through the water and reflect the sunlight made me feel a sense of closure, peace, and that she had a good resting place. Very low-key, yet very powerful. (Let me know if you need more info on how to do this correctly but in a covert way to avoid permits and hassle.)
Now that a few years have passed since my mom died, it's a lot easier. There are a couple of people who still text or Facebook message me on her birthday or anniversary of her death, and this makes me happy because it shows people care and remember her. Hope this helps."
Question from a 2022 Motherless Mothers Group thread about how to memorialize a loved one:
"I just hit my mom’s second year birthday without her. Aside from my body ‘knowing’ and grieving throughout the month between her birthday and the holidays, it essentially came and went. I’m curious - what traditions have you instilled on special holidays that help you honor /remember/ memorialize them ?"
Ideas from members:
Afternoon tea:
"My mom and I used to do afternoon tea together, so on her birthday I set a nice tea out, with a place for mom, and either alone or with family spend some time with her. I also put pictures up at Halloween/Samhain time and light candles, and if family is around we can tell stories too. I really want my son to know her, even though he never met her, and at least at these two times of year he spends some time with her, in a way. Sometimes he kisses her picture! It breaks my heart!"
Favorite meals, music, and movies:
"My mom died many years ago when I was a teenager, and my family didn't talk about her much growing up. Now that my siblings and I are adults, we're celebrating her more and more. On her birth and death days each year, we get together and cook her favorite meal, listen to her favorite music, and watch a movie that she loved or that reminds us of her (my sister keeps a long list in her phone, so it's fun to sort through and pick one together).
I'm pregnant with the baby that would be her first grandchild, so I'm excited to find more ways to celebrate her and teach my child about her. For starters, I'm naming her "Grammy," which is what my siblings and I called her mom growing up, and putting more photos of her around the house. My hope is that naming her might make her more real for all of us.
I also recently read this essay about how to talk to kids about death and found it to be so moving: Talking to Your Kids About Grief Is Painful. And You Have to Do It."
Memory Jar:
"I've told others in this group about my Memory Jar ritual. Anytime I have a memory of my mom or dad, I put it in a jar.
The memories can be as small as that she loved chocolate hazelnut or our trip to France for my 16th birthday. My mom died a year and a half ago (my dad 29 years ago), but I used the jar on her deathaversary - we went out to a fancy dinner, a place I knew she would have liked, and I took out the slips of paper and then told the stories behind the notes to my husband and best friend.
My daughter will also use the jar, take a story out every so often, and then say, "Can you tell me the story of nana and the burping baby."
There are many ways to hold your person close - it doesn't need to be perfect - it doesn't need to be on the day. I don't know if this was helpful, but it was sent with love and support."
Food and flowers:
"Most of my traditions revolve around food and flowers. My mom loved tulips, so I always get tulips on her bday and the day of her death. On her birthday I bake a poppyseed cake, something she used to make all the time. And on the day of the Oscar’s some year, I have ripples potato chips and French onion dip, a tradition she had and shared with me growing up."
Cupcakes and donations:
"For my Mom’s birthday, my sister and I take off work and bake cupcakes with my son. We even sing to her. When he naps, we order a nice lunch and have sister time.
For her birthday, I also donate money in her name to a charity related to things she liked or memories, for example I donated to my university bc she loved to visit us or to the library because she loved books.
On the day she died, and I guess in general, I try to do things she enjoyed, like get a Dunkin’ coffee, read a book, watch tv, have a glass of white wine, cook one of her recipes, etc.
Also, I took over her fantasy football team and I’m in the championship game this weekend. Wish me luck!"
Walks in the park:
"What I do already have is a holiday tradition memorializing my mom. When Nanny, my mom's mother, died, my mom planted trees in her memory in Prospect Park. It then became a tradition of ours to go for a walk in the park on Christmas Day and visit Nanny's trees. Before she died, we had always spent Christmas with Nanny and my mom's family in Arizona.
Later, although before my mom's cancer, my parents decided that instead of a grave site they wanted a memorial grove in Prospect Park. My mom, who worked at Prospect Park her entire career, picked the site, a lovely spot by the lake that was in need of restoration. It was too cold to go on Christmas Day this year, but we finally made it out there today (and to Nanny's trees, which are near it). The kids had a great time playing on the rocks by the waterfall nearby. It was really lovely.
It's also somewhere that I now find myself going whenever I'm nearby. It's a beautiful spot, and I find myself compelled to swing by. If we ever go for a walk in the park, even if it wasn't my original intention, I will probably wind up taking you there."
